9/24/16 – Kalamazoo
Michigan
Saturday’s inaugural KCWF Event was held to crown the KCWF
Champion as well as the KCWF Women’s Champion.
Tournaments were filled by the new superstars of KCWF, 8 for the men and
4 for the women.
The night began with ring announcer Lladnar Sivad, welcoming
the crowd and informing them of what’s going to be happening. He explained that tonight would see the
crowning of the first ever Kalamazoo Card Wrestling Federation Champion and the
Kalamazoo Card Wrestling Federation Women’s Champion. Tournaments have been setup to find the
Winners.
The first bout of the KCWF Championship tournament was all
set to begin. The opening bout of the
night pitted the dark, Dr. Skullface and drive time disk jockey, Spin
Doctor. The match started with the Evil
Doctor locking the Whirling Wonder into a tight front head lock. A rake of the eyes from Dr. Skullface was
followed by a vicious backbreaker and some abnormally brutal ground-and-pound. Skullface lifted Spin doctor by his hair
leading to his Exploratory Surgery finisher.
1-2-3 and an easy first round victory belonged to Dr. Skullface.
The evenings second bout saw Jorge “JFK” Kennady taking on
the mysterious, ???. JFK was first to
enter the ring, waving to the crowd and shaking as many hands as possible. Next ??? began his stroll to the ring to the raucous
applause of the KCWF Universe. Before
the bag man could even get to the ring, Dr. Skullface appeared on the ramp
behind him, running him down and hitting him in the bag with his Trocar
Trap. The mysterious ? slowly got to his
feet as event staff attempted to hold back the raging doctor. Skullface broke free of his would be captors
only to be brought to his knees by a swift junk kick. ???
finished his walk to the ring and the match began. Kennady and ??? locked up in the center of
the squared circle. How much did his
recent encounter take out of the Bagged One?
Not enough for JFK. After five
minutes of trading offence, ??? hit the Slamaroonie and that was all she
wrote. ??? had advanced to the second
round were Dr. Skullface would be waiting for him.
The third match was set to begin. Sly Tuffhand strolled to the ring delighting
the crowd with magic tricks as he went.
He stopped on the ring apron just before entering and turned to the
crowd. With a now “devilish” grin on his
face, he reached into his jacket pocket.
He removed a large foam figure.
As he raised it to the crowd there was an audible gasp. The foam hand was holding up its middle
finger and was emblazoned with the words “You Fools.” Just then the arena went dark. Soft piano music could be heard. Columns of fire erupted from the stage, as
distorted guitars and heavy drumming joined the piano. Between the columns stood a wrestler draped
in a cloak, both arms slowly raised until they were held out to the side like a
cross. His hands lowered as he began his
slow walk to the ring. As soon as The
Right had entered the ring the bell sounded to start the match. Sly Tuffhand had used the entrance to set-up
a trap for The Right. He had dawned
brass knuckles on his hand with the intent of hitting a quick Sucker Punch, and
ending the match early. The Right had
other ideas and stopped him cold with a bow and arrow submission causing Sly to
drop his weapon. The Right then proceeded to inflict as much pain as possible,
hitting his opponent with multiple stiff strikes. Just when it looked like the punishment would
end, Sly Tuffhand was hoisted up onto The Rights shoulders. Tuffhand was in The Wrack. The pain was too great to bear and the
magician passed out. The end of the
match due to technical submission was not enough punishment according to The
Right. He lifted his opponent up into
The Crucifix and slammed his unconscious body to the mat. The Right moves on.
The final first round bout saw the high flying Draco take on
Korr the Konqueror. The Konqueror was
accompanied to the ring by women’s competitor, Llama Natsu. The behemoth of a man entered by stepping
over the top rope. Draco entered the
arena slithering around on all fours.
His head darted to the left and to the right as he gazed upon the
crowd. As he came close to the ring he
sprung to his feet and flipped over the top rope, landing gracefully and ready
to strike. Korr glared at the diminutive
Draco, (well diminutive to him). The
match began and Draco was wrestling circles around his opponent. The bigger but slower man couldn’t catch-up
to the quick moving Draco. Draco got a
bit over confident and attempted a high-flying top turnbuckle move. As the fast flyer leapt toward his opponent, he
was caught by the Konqueror. A side slam later and Draco was grounded. Instead of ceasing the advantage, the giant
turned to the crowd for adoration for what had just happened. The big man turned his back on Draco and that
was the only opening he needed. Draco
reached up to Korr catching him off guard and rolling him up for the pin. Draco goes forward to meet The Right.
After four fun filled men’s matches it was time for the
women of the KCWF to take to the mats.
The first match saw crowd favorite, La Muñeca, taking on the
largest of the female competitors, Mother Mercy. The match didn’t last long as Mother Mercy
began her beat down as soon as the bell had rung. She threw The Doll into the turnbuckle and
proceeded to deliver a barrage of strikes to her smaller opponent. The destruction ended with La Muñeca being
placed in The Rosary, leading to a quick tap.
Mother Mercy did not live up to her name as it took three referees to
pull her off and release her broken competitor from the hold.
The second women’s match of the night pitted Moonshine
versus Llama Natsu. Llama Natsu came
down to the ring accompanied by Korr the Konqueror. Her colorful persona and overjoyed to be
there mentality instantly endeared her to the crowd. She danced around the ring, jumping up on all
four ring post to soak up the adoration of the crowd. The mood soured a bit as Moonshine entered
the fray. All this happy-go-lucky
fanfare made her nauseous, she wasn’t about to seek anything from the fans in
attendance. The match began with Llama
reaching out a hand to offer pre-match pleasantries to Moonshine. The backwoodsy tough girl just looked down at
the hand in disgust. Instead of a handshake,
Llama Natsu was greeted with a swift super kick to the side of the head. The shinemaker blasted away at the stunned
Datsu. Korr had seen enough and pulled
himself up onto the apron. Moonshine saw
this and greeted his interference with some White Lightning, knocking the
barbarian to the floor. The ref rightly
signaled for the bell declaring the winner, by DQ, Moonshine.
By this time the fans were all worked up. Six matches and no snack/bathroom breaks
among them. Well, now they can go. This was the portion of the show where we
were “blessed” by an appearance from Prince McSham. He was expounding on the virtues of this
great organization. Then I went for some
nachos…
It was time for the men’s semifinal matches. First up was the match between Dr. Skullface
and ???. The competitors circled each
other as they sized one another up. The
two men tied up in the center of the ring and again Skullface went for a rake
of the eyes. But unlike his first match
this elicited no reaction from his opponent.
He tried again, still nothing.
??? cocked his head to the side in a quizzical manner as Skullface
sulked away in disbelief. The
Mystery-man followed the Dr. to the corner and opened up some offence. The two competitors traded blows, slams,
and holds with ??? getting the better of Dr. Skullface. In desperation, the Doctor threw the referee
into ??? causing the two to fall to the mat.
??? was helping the ref to his feet and Dr. Skullface used the
distraction to expose one turnbuckle. He
stormed across the ring grabbing the bagman and slinging him in the direction
of the turnbuckle. ??? was able to stop
his momentum just before hitting the exposed area. He turned and saw Dr. Skullface charging
toward him. ??? was able to side step
the rushing Doctor and he hurled himself into the corner. A stunned Skullface stammered to the center
or the ring where he was wrapped up into a submission finisher. “Does this hurt?” was heard over the roar of
the crowd. Evidentially it did, as the
Dr. screamed in pain and tapped out at record speed.
The match to see who would face ??? was up next. The Right made his way to the ring first
followed by Draco. The two competitors
would be squaring off for the first time in their careers. The Right seemed determined not to make the
same error Korr the Konqueror had made earlier in the evening. From the opening bell The Right jumped all
over and stayed on top of the high flying Draco. Punches, kicks, elbows, slams, submission
holds, one after another, The Right was destroying Draco. Almost punishing him for any offence he did
attempt. Finally, The Right backed up to
a corner, seemly allowing Draco to rise to his feet. The wrestler slowly rose
and turned to face The Right. The
wrestler sprang from the corner slamming into Draco with a terrible strike,
Piercer. Draco laid prone in the ring,
The Right placed his boot on Draco’s throat. The referee began his count, MIGHT!
MAKES! RIGHT! The finals were set.
First up was the KCWF Women’s Championship bout between
Moonshine and Mother Mercy.
Neither
woman appeared nervous at all going into the most important bout of their
careers. Mother Mercy came down
first. She thumped her ruler into the
pad of her opposite hand. She intended
to teach her opponent a lesson. Moonshine
came to the ring with the same methodical temperament she always has. The women sized each other up in the center
of the ring. “Fear is the heart of
love,” Mother said. “Well, I don’t fear
you,” came from Moonshine. A kick to the
midsection for Moonshine started us off.
Moonshine ran past Mother Mercy, bounding off the ropes she took down
the nun with a neck breaker. Moonshine
quickly made Mother Hit the Handle.
Though the hold was broken the crowd could sense Mother Mercy was
too. Then came the Moonshiner which was
blocked but Moonshine wouldn’t be denied.
She immediately brought out the ‘Shiner again and locked up the Mother
for the 1, 2, 3.
Ring Announcer, Lladnar Sivad took the center of the ring.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, the KCWF proudly presents, the first
ever KCWF Women’s Champion, MOONSHINE!”
“And now it’s time for our main event of the evening. Introducing first, fighting out of the red
corner, standing at 6’7” tall, weighing in at 298 pounds, from the Catacombs;
The Right!”
“And fighting out of the blue corner, standing… a height,
weighing in at… a weight, from… somewhere; how do I say this..? Question
marks!?”
The combatants take the center of the ring. The bell rings and we’re underway. Neither man is gaining much of an advantage. The Right is trying to land multiple moves
but ??? seems to always have what it takes to make the stop. Piercer and the Crucifix have been attempted
but nothing of note is getting through.
The tide has turned and now ??? is throwing the kitchen sink at The
Right. Everything is being thwarted
again. Both wrestlers have brought their
“A” games defensively tonight. The
Right seems to be wearing down from ???’s offence. A punch! A DDT! A Slamaroonie! That’s it! It’s over! 1! 2!, 3! DING, DING, DING We have a champion!
“Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner, and inaugural KCWF
Champion! … I still don’t know how to say this, Question Marks!!?
