Saturday’s inaugural KCWF Event was held to crown the KCWF Champion as well as the KCWF Women’s Champion. Tournaments were filled by the new superstars of KCWF, 8 for the men and 4 for the women.
The night began with ring announcer Lladnar Sivad, welcoming the crowd and informing them of what’s going to be happening. He explained that tonight would see the crowning of the first ever Kalamazoo Card Wrestling Federation Champion and the Kalamazoo Card Wrestling Federation Women’s Champion. Tournaments have been setup to find the Winners.
The first bout of the KCWF Championship tournament was all set to begin. The opening bout of the night pitted the dark, Dr. Skullface and drive time disk jockey, Spin Doctor. The match started with the Evil Doctor locking the Whirling Wonder into a tight front head lock. A rake of the eyes from Dr. Skullface was followed by a vicious backbreaker and some abnormally brutal ground-and-pound. Skullface lifted Spin doctor by his hair leading to his Exploratory Surgery finisher. 1-2-3 and an easy first round victory belonged to Dr. Skullface.
The evenings second bout saw Jorge “JFK” Kennady taking on the mysterious, ???. JFK was first to enter the ring, waving to the crowd and shaking as many hands as possible. Next ??? began his stroll to the ring to the raucous applause of the KCWF Universe. Before the bag man could even get to the ring, Dr. Skullface appeared on the ramp behind him, running him down and hitting him in the bag with his Trocar Trap. The mysterious ? slowly got to his feet as event staff attempted to hold back the raging doctor. Skullface broke free of his would be captors only to be brought to his knees by a swift junk kick. ??? finished his walk to the ring and the match began. Kennady and ??? locked up in the center of the squared circle. How much did his recent encounter take out of the Bagged One? Not enough for JFK. After five minutes of trading offence, ??? hit the Slamaroonie and that was all she wrote. ??? had advanced to the second round were Dr. Skullface would be waiting for him.
The third match was set to begin. Sly Tuffhand strolled to the ring delighting the crowd with magic tricks as he went. He stopped on the ring apron just before entering and turned to the crowd. With a now “devilish” grin on his face, he reached into his jacket pocket. He removed a large foam figure. As he raised it to the crowd there was an audible gasp. The foam hand was holding up its middle finger and was emblazoned with the words “You Fools.” Just then the arena went dark. Soft piano music could be heard. Columns of fire erupted from the stage, as distorted guitars and heavy drumming joined the piano. Between the columns stood a wrestler draped in a cloak, both arms slowly raised until they were held out to the side like a cross. His hands lowered as he began his slow walk to the ring. As soon as The Right had entered the ring the bell sounded to start the match. Sly Tuffhand had used the entrance to set-up a trap for The Right. He had dawned brass knuckles on his hand with the intent of hitting a quick Sucker Punch, and ending the match early. The Right had other ideas and stopped him cold with a bow and arrow submission causing Sly to drop his weapon. The Right then proceeded to inflict as much pain as possible, hitting his opponent with multiple stiff strikes. Just when it looked like the punishment would end, Sly Tuffhand was hoisted up onto The Rights shoulders. Tuffhand was in The Wrack. The pain was too great to bear and the magician passed out. The end of the match due to technical submission was not enough punishment according to The Right. He lifted his opponent up into The Crucifix and slammed his unconscious body to the mat. The Right moves on.
The final first round bout saw the high flying Draco take on Korr the Konqueror. The Konqueror was accompanied to the ring by women’s competitor, Llama Natsu. The behemoth of a man entered by stepping over the top rope. Draco entered the arena slithering around on all fours. His head darted to the left and to the right as he gazed upon the crowd. As he came close to the ring he sprung to his feet and flipped over the top rope, landing gracefully and ready to strike. Korr glared at the diminutive Draco, (well diminutive to him). The match began and Draco was wrestling circles around his opponent. The bigger but slower man couldn’t catch-up to the quick moving Draco. Draco got a bit over confident and attempted a high-flying top turnbuckle move. As the fast flyer leapt toward his opponent, he was caught by the Konqueror. A side slam later and Draco was grounded. Instead of ceasing the advantage, the giant turned to the crowd for adoration for what had just happened. The big man turned his back on Draco and that was the only opening he needed. Draco reached up to Korr catching him off guard and rolling him up for the pin. Draco goes forward to meet The Right.
After four fun filled men’s matches it was time for the women of the KCWF to take to the mats.
The first match saw crowd favorite, La Muñeca, taking on the largest of the female competitors, Mother Mercy. The match didn’t last long as Mother Mercy began her beat down as soon as the bell had rung. She threw The Doll into the turnbuckle and proceeded to deliver a barrage of strikes to her smaller opponent. The destruction ended with La Muñeca being placed in The Rosary, leading to a quick tap. Mother Mercy did not live up to her name as it took three referees to pull her off and release her broken competitor from the hold.
The second women’s match of the night pitted Moonshine versus Llama Natsu. Llama Natsu came down to the ring accompanied by Korr the Konqueror. Her colorful persona and overjoyed to be there mentality instantly endeared her to the crowd. She danced around the ring, jumping up on all four ring post to soak up the adoration of the crowd. The mood soured a bit as Moonshine entered the fray. All this happy-go-lucky fanfare made her nauseous, she wasn’t about to seek anything from the fans in attendance. The match began with Llama reaching out a hand to offer pre-match pleasantries to Moonshine. The backwoodsy tough girl just looked down at the hand in disgust. Instead of a handshake, Llama Natsu was greeted with a swift super kick to the side of the head. The shinemaker blasted away at the stunned Datsu. Korr had seen enough and pulled himself up onto the apron. Moonshine saw this and greeted his interference with some White Lightning, knocking the barbarian to the floor. The ref rightly signaled for the bell declaring the winner, by DQ, Moonshine.
By this time the fans were all worked up. Six matches and no snack/bathroom breaks among them. Well, now they can go. This was the portion of the show where we were “blessed” by an appearance from Prince McSham. He was expounding on the virtues of this great organization. Then I went for some nachos…
It was time for the men’s semifinal matches. First up was the match between Dr. Skullface and ???. The competitors circled each other as they sized one another up. The two men tied up in the center of the ring and again Skullface went for a rake of the eyes. But unlike his first match this elicited no reaction from his opponent. He tried again, still nothing. ??? cocked his head to the side in a quizzical manner as Skullface sulked away in disbelief. The Mystery-man followed the Dr. to the corner and opened up some offence. The two competitors traded blows, slams, and holds with ??? getting the better of Dr. Skullface. In desperation, the Doctor threw the referee into ??? causing the two to fall to the mat. ??? was helping the ref to his feet and Dr. Skullface used the distraction to expose one turnbuckle. He stormed across the ring grabbing the bagman and slinging him in the direction of the turnbuckle. ??? was able to stop his momentum just before hitting the exposed area. He turned and saw Dr. Skullface charging toward him. ??? was able to side step the rushing Doctor and he hurled himself into the corner. A stunned Skullface stammered to the center or the ring where he was wrapped up into a submission finisher. “Does this hurt?” was heard over the roar of the crowd. Evidentially it did, as the Dr. screamed in pain and tapped out at record speed.
The match to see who would face ??? was up next. The Right made his way to the ring first followed by Draco. The two competitors would be squaring off for the first time in their careers. The Right seemed determined not to make the same error Korr the Konqueror had made earlier in the evening. From the opening bell The Right jumped all over and stayed on top of the high flying Draco. Punches, kicks, elbows, slams, submission holds, one after another, The Right was destroying Draco. Almost punishing him for any offence he did attempt. Finally, The Right backed up to a corner, seemly allowing Draco to rise to his feet. The wrestler slowly rose and turned to face The Right. The wrestler sprang from the corner slamming into Draco with a terrible strike, Piercer. Draco laid prone in the ring, The Right placed his boot on Draco’s throat. The referee began his count, MIGHT! MAKES! RIGHT! The finals were set.
First up was the KCWF Women’s Championship bout between Moonshine and Mother Mercy.
Neither woman appeared nervous at all going into the most important bout of their careers. Mother Mercy came down first. She thumped her ruler into the pad of her opposite hand. She intended to teach her opponent a lesson. Moonshine came to the ring with the same methodical temperament she always has. The women sized each other up in the center of the ring. “Fear is the heart of love,” Mother said. “Well, I don’t fear you,” came from Moonshine. A kick to the midsection for Moonshine started us off. Moonshine ran past Mother Mercy, bounding off the ropes she took down the nun with a neck breaker. Moonshine quickly made Mother Hit the Handle. Though the hold was broken the crowd could sense Mother Mercy was too. Then came the Moonshiner which was blocked but Moonshine wouldn’t be denied. She immediately brought out the ‘Shiner again and locked up the Mother for the 1, 2, 3.
Ring Announcer, Lladnar Sivad took the center of the ring.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, the KCWF proudly presents, the first ever KCWF Women’s Champion, MOONSHINE!”
“And now it’s time for our main event of the evening. Introducing first, fighting out of the red corner, standing at 6’7” tall, weighing in at 298 pounds, from the Catacombs; The Right!”
“And fighting out of the blue corner, standing… a height, weighing in at… a weight, from… somewhere; how do I say this..? Question marks!?”
The combatants take the center of the ring. The bell rings and we’re underway. Neither man is gaining much of an advantage. The Right is trying to land multiple moves but ??? seems to always have what it takes to make the stop. Piercer and the Crucifix have been attempted but nothing of note is getting through. The tide has turned and now ??? is throwing the kitchen sink at The Right. Everything is being thwarted again. Both wrestlers have brought their “A” games defensively tonight. The Right seems to be wearing down from ???’s offence. A punch! A DDT! A Slamaroonie! That’s it! It’s over! 1! 2!, 3! DING, DING, DING We have a champion!
“Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner, and inaugural KCWF Champion! … I still don’t know how to say this, Question Marks!!?